I’ve spent months and months playing Guild Wars 2 and it’s fair to say I am ready to review it properly. I understand it was in beta, but I’m not reviewing the condition of the game, I’m reviewing the overall feel of it. Even with an unfinished product and it changing builds rapidly every week, I’ve nailed down every aspect of the game perfectly to get a perfect score that quantifies GW2 at launch and beyond. I will be scoring it on:
1. Sound
2. Combat
3. Graphic
4. Replayability
5. Overall
These 5 categories I formulated several years ago to pinpoint the perfect intersection of effective hypo-glamourification. It’s impossible to be wrong and my score will hold concrete for many years to come without worry of dry-rotting at the foundation of its core design.
Sound:
I spent days in a closed room burning incense and listening to the viberous beats GW2 threw at my ears. For hours I studied the tenor, treble, and bass waves. I sat cross legged, cross-eyed, and cris cross apple sauced. You have to be a well trained music major to really be able to pick out each instrument like hitting a hummingbird with a bat. My ears have been trained over the years to endure such a rigorous bombardment of sound. I do not advise anybody of doing this without seeing a proctologist first.
After my 10 minutes of listening was up, I had my verdict. I knew where the soundtrack ranked on the scale of past games I put through this painstaking test. GW2 comes away with a 9/10 score on sound. I deducted 1 point because my neighbor was spanking his baby and the cries angered me. In turn, that made me mad at the music.
Combat:
When I first tested GW2 I was lost as to what to do. I was flabbergasted at being able to see my character not cluttered with icons up his ass. The lack of hotbar buttons prompted me to cut out little squares of paper and paste them in my monitor so my eyes didn’t have a vision stroke. With the addition of my terrarium hotkeys, I could now get back to reviewing the combat properly.
Combat seemed very fluid, at times I got sea sick and had to throw up in a bucket. My lava lamp next to my computer got jealous and exploded on my desk creating a miniature volcano. I quickly ran outside to get some ants to be devastated in the natural disaster. The village quickly burned to the ground and I was left counting the bodies.
Aside from the apocalypse forming in my house, the combat felt fresh and new. I was still hitting hotkeys randomly to numbly gather resources or kill giant bugs, but the madness of it all made me feel like a kid again. It reminded me of looking up girls’ dresses in first grade. I had to dodge, strafe, and pull out my pew pew to get away. I give the combat an 7/10. It was different, but it still felt like a normal MMO and less like Jenny’s breasts.
Graphics:
Simply AMAZING! I sat in the bathroom for hours staring at myself in the mirror. I am one handsome man. I took pictures and put them in my pillow to tuck myself in at night.
GW2 graphics were good too. There were times where they got blurry or I started to feel lonely, but overall I thought they were top-notch. They felt different enough from games based on real life images like my beautiful picture, but they didn’t veer too far to the cartoony side of games. They are a great mix of art and pixels mixed together to form moving pictures. I give the graphics a 10/10. I don’t know if it was my beautiful face taped to the side of the monitor or the dandelion seeds floating around that mad me tear up in joy, but no matter what the game looks great.
Replayability:
$60 + no monthly fee… 10/10 duh!
Overall:
This game has truly brought tears to my eyes. ArenaNet is an amazing company with a great heart listening to their community. I’m looking forward to playing this game religiously for a month. I can’t take a shower without my plush Charr washing my back.
I know after a month the hype might die down and I’ll be looking at Planetside 2 as my next MMO, but during that month I play GW2 I will be in heaven. I give the game an overall score of 12/10 because fanatic-nerdtasm holds no bounds.
Stay tuned to next month when I down score everything in a pissed off rage post complaining I got ripped off and lied to. My hype was blindsided by my emotional connection to the Mars rover discovering Uranus.